I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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