I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
