do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
