Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
