There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
