I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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