Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
