you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
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