So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
