I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
