There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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