K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
