i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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