I think my vagina is haunted
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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