They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
