i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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