then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
