idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize