i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
