We're facebook friends in real life
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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