Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
