Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
