That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize