Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
