I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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