Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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