he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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