I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
