I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
