Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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