im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
