Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
