I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
