I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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