There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
