I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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