I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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