Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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