One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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