i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
