Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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