Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
