false alarm. still invincible.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
