I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
