I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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