Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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