why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
