I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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