My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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