My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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