I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
it hurts more in the daytime
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
