I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
only if we run a train.
done.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize