i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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