You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
