I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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