halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The ass gains better be worth it
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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