How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
